Taking My Life Back by Rebekah Gregory

Author:Rebekah Gregory [Gregory with Anthony Flacco, Rebekah]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: BIO018000, REL012040
ISBN: 9781493406944
Publisher: Baker Publishing Group
Published: 2017-02-01T16:00:00+00:00

My life had been quiet before the attacks. Nothing in my past prepared me to be on the public stage. While I was still in the hospital, I didn’t realize how well my single-patient room protected me from the problem of feeling overwhelmed in large spaces and among crowds. Even with the constant flow of orderlies, nurses, and doctors through my room, there were seldom more than two or three others with me at one time, including my mother.

Now that I was home, I often referred back to the time I experienced my first true panic attack, which happened when my physical therapist took me outside the hospital for my first breath of fresh air since the bombing. Even though I knew the essential signs of a panic attack, the deceptive nature of my PTSD changed my thinking. It made everything I knew about anxiety seem completely wrong and not to be trusted, for reasons I wouldn’t have been able to explain.

It was as if the disorder somehow distorted my thinking so that none of my usual defenses against personal fear were effective. They didn’t do a thing to immunize me once my heartbeat jumped up and I felt that powerful rush of tension go through all my muscles. When the first one hit, it caused my body to clench so tightly that I was vibrating in my wheelchair. My stomach twisted and the air suddenly felt as if it didn’t contain enough oxygen. I started pulling in great breaths of air but still didn’t feel I was taking a decent breath.

Mom tried to tell me I was suffering from anxiety or panic disorder or whatever you want to call it. I didn’t think she was wrong about that, but I absolutely could not make myself take in the information. My anxiety blocked out logic and reason and just left me gasping until we were safely back inside and in my room.

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